Learning to Let it Be

Many years ago I was a lonely, sad girl. I was bullied terribly and everything around me was falling apart. I made the decision to change schools and try to salvage a few of my school years and hopefully actually pass some exams. I didn’t really think I would make any friends, I just hoped that I would not be hounded and miserable every single day.

I can’t quite remember how I became friends with X, I just know that when I did my life changed dramatically. I had a friend, I gained other friends through my friendship with him, but for the first time in my life I had a friend who I felt comfortable with. We had so much fun, the last year at school made up for all the other horrid years I had endured. He was creative, he was funny, he was very clever. He was inspiring to me. I had a best friend and I loved him. As a teenager you are pretty self absorbed and whilst I revelled in feeling happy I was pretty unaware of deeper things that he perhaps was going through.

The week before I left to go to University I had a panic, I was suddenly very scared, I was leaving to go to a city where X would not be. The prospect of going away to a brand new place, with a lot of new people terrified me. I needed X to be my security, I mean if he found me fun then maybe other people would too, but maybe without him around I would just be the weird friendless girl I once was? X came round and had a good chat with me, boosted my confidence and his talk worked, I went off to university and loved it.

X and I had weekly phone calls where I would prattle on about all the joys of University life and city living which was pretty thrilling for a small town girl. For a while it was all good then things changed and he became more distant.

Eventually he moved away and started a new life and I wasn’t a part of it at all.

I still feel hurt. I still wish he was part of my life. However I can now see how clingy I was, how self absorbed and how suffocating our friendship must have been, especially when he had to make the changes in his life for him to be happy.

Last year I found him on Facebook, I sent a long message and I was immediately blocked. Last week I received an email ‘Your Contact X is on twitter’. Of course I immediately pinged off a follow request. I was blocked.

This weekend I pondered a while on this, I still care deeply for this person, I always will because his friendship was a very precious gift that definitely changed my life. Clearly though I have to let it be. Our friendship is not part of his life now, it is a memory. My need to ‘find’ him is selfish. Our paths diverged and we hopefully have both found ourselves in a happy place.

X if you ever read this I hope you are happy. I know you will have brought many people colour and joy like you once did for me. I hope you feel loved.

Thank you

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Recent Wanderings & Summer Planning

Today as I looked out my office window (this was written during a quick lunch break) I see grey skies and lots of rain. It was very stormy on Sunday and today again, it is very soggy indeed. We are hoping to sneak in a quick camping trip up to Aberdeenshire this month and my College also has a big fun day planned, and, at the very end of the month there is a big County Guide Camp. So I’m okay with it being damp and dreich just now if the sun decides to shine over the next few weekends. In particular the last weekend in May, the 8 Guides I have from my unit attending the county camp have never really camped before and I would like it to be a really good experience for them…. soggy sleeping bags might put them off!

We’ve managed to sneak in a couple of walks in recent weeks, Dunkeld in Perthshire, Balmerino in Fife and Boddin in Angus. As usual when in Dunkeld we called in at our favourite cake spot; Spill The Beans but we have no new fabulous cafe finds to report.


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 We have however booked our Summer Holiday! The Boyo has a conference in Australia to attend at the end of June and whilst we did consider a holiday in Australia we decided it was not the right time of year and too expensive for all the things we would like to do. We’ll save for a holiday in Australia another time (it also gives me more chance to get over my fear of spiders). Instead I shall fly out and meet the Boyo at Bangkok airport. 1 night in Bangkok then 6 nights in Koh Samui. We are very excited indeed. I’m stocking up on books on my kindle. I’ve bought a new swimsuit and I have the factor 50+ suncream ready. Have any of you been to Thailand? I’m on the hunt for a beach dress, something to throw over my swimsuit, I may even consider making myself one. I have sandals ordered this Merrell Pair for all the walking about we always end up doing and I think I will buy these M&S sandals, I got them last year in a pinky colour and there were great. Footwear is really important as we are never still for very long and I have a knee condition, usually referred to as dodgy knees so my shoes have to be supportive. I had a Merrell pair of sandals for a few years that were not very pretty but they did an excellent job. I unfortunately lost them during a flat move when lived in Hong Kong. I’m hoping this pair will do just as good a job but look a bit nicer as well. I don’t think I really I need any more clothes, although an extra swimsuit would probably be handy. I am finding them to be pretty expensive though so I may just make-do with what I have. I’m trying to stop myself getting too carried away with excitement. Do any of you have summer plans? Our original plan before all of this was a week camping in Skye so this is a bit more exotic and warmer than originally anticipated for this summer.

Now I hope you have a merry day… I’m going home for a cosy evening in, maybe even a wee hot chocolate, in weather like this it is almost obligatory!

Merry in The Ferry..