Many years ago I was a lonely, sad girl. I was bullied terribly and everything around me was falling apart. I made the decision to change schools and try to salvage a few of my school years and hopefully actually pass some exams. I didn’t really think I would make any friends, I just hoped that I would not be hounded and miserable every single day.
I can’t quite remember how I became friends with X, I just know that when I did my life changed dramatically. I had a friend, I gained other friends through my friendship with him, but for the first time in my life I had a friend who I felt comfortable with. We had so much fun, the last year at school made up for all the other horrid years I had endured. He was creative, he was funny, he was very clever. He was inspiring to me. I had a best friend and I loved him. As a teenager you are pretty self absorbed and whilst I revelled in feeling happy I was pretty unaware of deeper things that he perhaps was going through.
The week before I left to go to University I had a panic, I was suddenly very scared, I was leaving to go to a city where X would not be. The prospect of going away to a brand new place, with a lot of new people terrified me. I needed X to be my security, I mean if he found me fun then maybe other people would too, but maybe without him around I would just be the weird friendless girl I once was? X came round and had a good chat with me, boosted my confidence and his talk worked, I went off to university and loved it.
X and I had weekly phone calls where I would prattle on about all the joys of University life and city living which was pretty thrilling for a small town girl. For a while it was all good then things changed and he became more distant.
Eventually he moved away and started a new life and I wasn’t a part of it at all.
I still feel hurt. I still wish he was part of my life. However I can now see how clingy I was, how self absorbed and how suffocating our friendship must have been, especially when he had to make the changes in his life for him to be happy.
Last year I found him on Facebook, I sent a long message and I was immediately blocked. Last week I received an email ‘Your Contact X is on twitter’. Of course I immediately pinged off a follow request. I was blocked.
This weekend I pondered a while on this, I still care deeply for this person, I always will because his friendship was a very precious gift that definitely changed my life. Clearly though I have to let it be. Our friendship is not part of his life now, it is a memory. My need to ‘find’ him is selfish. Our paths diverged and we hopefully have both found ourselves in a happy place.
X if you ever read this I hope you are happy. I know you will have brought many people colour and joy like you once did for me. I hope you feel loved.